Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
