His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
