Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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