I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
