if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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