All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
