Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
