i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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