I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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