Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Too much gin, very little bucket
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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