one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
