you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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