I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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