If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
