On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
