I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
