am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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