People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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