You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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