i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also, beer. Big fan.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
