I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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