I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
