I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
