oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
