Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
