im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
