3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
