margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
