O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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