i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
