I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
