Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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