You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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