whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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