Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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