Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
