It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
