If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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