I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize