I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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