Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
