Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
