This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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