Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
