She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
