Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
