It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
