I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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