Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize