That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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