my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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