Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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