did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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