i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
