I accidentally burped into my bong.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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