She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
